Twenty-something

Indian Food for Breakfast

I found myself in the mountains last week on a much needed vacation. I realized how therapeutic the mountains have been to me in the last year. I’ve found myself there twice, first last year around this time in need of an emotional reset.. and now this time around in need of a total recharge.

Both time, I got what I needed.

I haven’t written as much as I used to. Not necessarily because of a lack of inspiration, but mostly because of a decrease in the need to write out my thoughts. I realize now how much this blog has been a kind of therapy for me.. and will continue to be in the coming years.. but also how much the last year has seen me develop other releases and ways of organizing myself.

We left for BC, my significant other and I, both of us quite burnt out- even if we didn’t fully realize it, from our respective falls. For me I’d had a year of preparing for my CATA exams (results still pending), figuring out my next steps, and constantly working on my business and promoting myself. No, it wasn’t 10 courses/term and multiple exams and practicals.. but it is a new territory for me.. this life outside of student life. A week away was exactly what I needed.. and it couldn’t have been better.

We drove through the night and arrived at our destination at a ripe 5am (we aren’t the best at getting up early to leave early).. and had a lovely sleep in to wake up to some gorgeous weather and a mountain view from our rented condo. From there we spent the week rotating between visiting close by hot springs, breweries, hiking, and watching movies on the couch. Rising each morning to a beautiful combination of coffee, local organic eggnog (so good), and a bit of whisky (best combo imaginable). It was amazing to just be able to turn off from the rest of the world, not worry about alarms or wearing a watch, not having any reason to check our phones or emails.. a whole week of just being in the moment and not worrying about the rest of the world. Something the both of us needed!

Coming home and back to reality was something we both procrastinated on.. starting the 16hr drive late on our last day, stopping for a night outside of Calgary at a friends, and then re-starting the now 13hr drive late the next day.. then making a extended stop at Costco, we found ourselves driving through SK at 1am, both exhausted, grumpy, and sick of being in the car. So.. on the hunt for a motel we went. After a whole week of no worries, I started to notice now, in this moment of pure exhaustion and annoyance at having to return to real life, how fatigue can effect our ability to make choices about how we want to react to a scenario. After bickering about something around Moosejaw, we both ended up laughing and breaking the mood.. realizing we were choosing to be annoyed and didn’t have to choose that.

We ended up finding a motel in Indian Head, SK.. a town where there really isn’t much. Somehow they were open at 2am when we rolled in and gave us a key to a room. Typical of a small town highway motel, the heat wasn’t turned on in the room and the window was broken and covered with cardboard. When it’s -15 out… even turning the heater on, there wasn’t much hope of this room warming up. So we trundled back to the desk/bar/restaurant and got another room.. this one with a intact window, but no heat again. So turning on the small heater in the room we left for a nightcap at the desk/bar/restaurant to let the room warm. After a long chat with the bartender/owner (one of a family from India), we headed back to the much craved bed. Only to find the heater in the room really not doing much heating.

Not having any better options, imagining we were camping in the late fall, 10 degree weather, we had a few hours of sleep. That morning, we decided to try the Indian restaurant within the motel.. owned and ran by the Indian family. After a lengthly talk with the bartender (the brother) about how they prepared the food, and how it was the best in the greater area.. how could we not? We weren’t disappointed.. and as we sat there eating breakfast, again leaving late on our still 5hr drive home.. I felt a small bit of anxiety creep up over how we still had a long drive, and I was tired, and real life was coming back upon us… then.. mid bit of butter chicken at 9am in the middle of SK in a trucker motel.. I chose to let that anxiety go and enjoy the moment I was in.

That simple act of letting a emotion float across my consciousness, observe it, and let it pass is an ability it took me years to develop. It’s more accessible in some moments then in others, but what I noticed in this particular instance was how much easier it has been becoming for me as of late. A skill I think I’m going to use quite a bit in the coming year. I’m predicting this year to be a year of unpredictables, and am grateful to have begun developing how to live in the moment and enjoy the here and now as much as possible.

Happy Holidays everyone!

The here and now.

I officially graduated this past week, and it was more emotional then I thought it would be.

I’ve been operating under the assumption that I’d already completed my degree for a while now, so convocation was just the official handing of the paper. However, the night before I found myself reflecting on how much I’ve worked through to get to now. Yeah I’ve been done technically for a while, but all of a sudden the official completeness of it hit me. This chapter is closing, and now it’s time to reveal the next page.

I’ve written a lot about transition the last little while. Fall is always a transitional time, and as I find myself stepping away from academics for a bit to develop my business and career… I’m a little terrified. The past year has been all about me doing me, and for someone who finds it easy to get wrapped up in the 5 years from now and into other people’s lives… I’ve worked pretty hard at staying true to myself and doing what I need to to further my own personal development. Now, here we are at another stepping stone. I have a paper that succinctly sums up 4 years (and a bit) of endless learning, hard bouts of burn out, low points, high points, and enlightenment. Can a piece of paper signify the amount of personal growth I’ve done emotionally and mentally? Not really.

I wasn’t hit with this wave of emotions because of the next steps I face in my career or even academically.. I think the emotions were stemming from the more unknowns that are at my door step, and the known fact that I still have a lot of personal development and experience to go through (which is something that never ends, I’m learning). The things I know right now are that I have a vision for the next year of my life. Any ideas I have for the next 5 years are hazy, and while some of them may occur the truth is I don’t know where I want to be. I know who I want to be, and what I want to accomplish within that time frame… but in what order, where, and how is still unclear. As, again I’m learning, it probably should be for where I’m at. I’m uncomfortable with the unknown. Not that I want to know my exact future. But I’m uncomfortable with the known that things as they are now are likely to change, again and again. I recognize that this is okay, and normal, and even to be expected… but the simple act of graduating unleashed all these new, somewhat unfamiliar emotions and concerns about my personal life.

I vaguely remember feeling like this after my high school graduation. In a different capacity, of course, but some of the same “fear of the unknowns”.

I’ve talked to and read about many who say the 20s are the most difficult age for this reason. Everything is always transitional. You’re always learning, adjusting, losing, gaining, and finding out who you are and where you’re supposed to end up. Life is all about not knowing when the next curveball will be thrown, but still managing to swing at it with some success. The support systems you develop are there to rebound off of as you ricochet towards the next thing. The ones you love bolster you, and/or keep you focused in their own ways.

I’ve been taking some time the last few days to reflect on where I’m at, and make peace with not knowing what comes next.. even if I have strong feelings about what is coming next. It’s really easy to get wrapped up living 5 years from now, and ignore the amount of work, exploration, learning and turmoil that has to come first. It’s very interesting to me that I can feel so confident in my education and professional life, while so confused about parts of my emotional life. Even operating under the deep sense of “it will be what it will be”, why can’t I quit pondering the “it”? I have this intuition that I always get exactly what I need, even if it is tough to process.. and that long term there is some sort of path we are all placed on. Our decisions and choices lead us towards ultimately what we’re supposed to experience, and those experiences cultivate the individual we are to be. All you can do in the process is enjoy the here and now.

On Stress (Rebuild Log 2)

I spent a weekend out of the city for the first time in a while this past weekend for my birthday. The weekend was everything I wanted it to be, a mix of friends, family, and relaxation in the country. Away from work (except for the half day of promotions I did for KT&P (ps check out the new website!) at a show my mom was competing in) and the hustle of the city, with no time demands placed on me and no reason to think about the week ahead.. it was a great mental recoup that was much needed.

The problem with weekends like that is that they don’t happen very often, and come my return to the city and regular schedules I was hit with a stark contrast. This being my first year not returning to school I don’t have the structure (even if loaded) of being on campus in classes, and have more time to dedicate to work. So between three jobs I split my week combined with a few personal clients and study sessions in prep for November’s exam. I also cram in there work outs, football coverage, and the slow promotional process for the business. I found this week especially draining on my mental status. While I enjoy all my jobs, they don’t exactly challenge me. I find my study sessions every week actually the most invigorating (which is a good sign, right?). I do find I miss school if only for the mental stimulation and structure it provided (not to say that wasn’t also very stressful). I am one to believe stress is a state we choose to be in, rather then end up in. However, I do notice the feeling of being pulled in many directions all at once even when I’m choosing a positive mind-set about it. And, some weeks are harder then others. I’ve noticed how stress affects my body more-so lately in the last few months, with the lasting effects of mono demonstrating how much of a tolerance I had built up and then lost. I also have a greater awareness (developed from learning the hard way) of what burn out feels like early on, and when I need a break. Good and bad.. bad in the way that I don’t seem to be able to handle as much as I used to. Also- the things they don’t teach you or tell you about running and doing all your own branding on your business.. it’s hard and tedious and time consuming!!! The hours I’ve spent this week alone tediously perfecting the website and coming up with promotional images are adding up. This baby I’ve created is rewarding in that it’s challenging and what I want it to be, but remind me of that next time you see me losing it over website design, video creation, or social media marketing.

This week was the start of a new routine with a close friend where we grocery shop and meal prep for the week. We did this on Tuesday and it was excellent, I’m still enjoying the food we made later on in the week. We oven cooked some chicken breast with salt, pepper, and garlic, and sauteed garden beets, shiitake mushrooms, and garden onions in salt and pepper (we were in a basic mood). We also got some plain greek yogurt, chia, and no-sugar added fruit puree (which I’ve been enjoying as breakfasts), and kept some raw veggies for snacking. While there was breaks in the cooking we did a short HIIT workout, because sweaty cooking is the best cooking (?). I’ve been able to stick to my goal of a 20-40 min workout of some sort once a day this week in excellent form. Monday I went for a 3k run around my mom’s in the country (added to the relaxing effects of the weekend out there), Tuesday was the HIIT day, yesterday I stuck to light cardio and mobility work, and today I walked 12k for work. Tomorrow I’m planning a upper body work out and Saturday I’m hoping to get to a yoga class (and will also be moving some stuff out of my apartment) as a work on a new living situation. Sunday will either be a day off completely or some yoga again. I’m feeling great about all this! I now just need to get my head adjusted to the rest of my schedule.

My head tends to get overwhelmed in the in between moments. When I’m driving from one thing to the next, or finally get home in the evening. I’m starting to develop better strategies for using those moments to relax, rather then zombie out or stress out. It used to be that I didn’t have time to do this, so I guess that’s evidence of the changes in my schedule (sorta?). Managing this has been a learning curve, if you’ve read this blog over the last few years you’ll probably see a repeating cycle. Great, great, great, tired, burnt out and not so awesome, mental break down, great again. I’ve found now that I am more of a constant with not so many extremes one way or the other.. which I take to be progress. I’m also working on my mental state over the exam in November. While I don’t want to be stressed about it, I do want to be stressed enough to have some “good nerves” keeping me on point. There is a fine balance, and finding it is another goal with the rebuild project I’ve designed for myself. The right eating, exercise, and mental balance has always put me in the best position for success.. so on that journey I continue!

Also- if you have a chance.. check out the new website design I finally got to for my training page here. I’d love opinions and feedback from readers! Feel free to share it too 🙂

Revival

We’re always given what we need.. isn’t that the way things shake out?

The last week or so I struggled a bit with my old friend impatience. After a busy couple months of seeing and experiencing my business and professional image develop and blossom seemingly non-stop, things stayed consistent. Consistently great I have to say. April and May I was booked every weekend here or there doing clinics and work shops for facilities, and busy with one on one clients outside of my other shift work. As invigorating as it was seeing all that growth, when things get consistent.. I start to get bored. Not in a bad way, but the impatience crept in again. My mind had time to start craving the next step. More. Always more.

This is a staple of my personality. I live for constant improvement, learning, and change.

This past long weekend (conveniently the first show weekend of the outdoor season here too), I found myself with 4 solid days off. Off shift work. Off clients. Off teaching. It was great. I got to spend time with the guy and old friends. I got to sleep until 1pm two days in a row and not be bothered about it. It provided the perfect opportunity for me to start thinking about what I wasn’t doing yet. There is always a “yet”. Come the start of the regular week, I was full on craving for new and exciting things. Feeling already bored with what I had just started.

Luckily, I’ve done a fair amount of personal development this year so far.. and I recognised this in myself. While acknowledging the impatience didn’t make it disappear, it did calm the fire slightly. I realise now looking back that sometimes my cases of burn-out were probably self-induced cases of letting the impatience and unending desire for more right now take over. Patience, gratitude, reflection have been my themes this year… and they are fantastic lessons to bring into motion for preventing that desire from turning into an unquenchable agitation with the pace of the Universe.

On Tuesday I all of a sudden had the drive to plant some plants. Which, if you know me, is soooooooo out of the norm. But, since I’m learning more and more to trust my intuition.. I went out and bought some little things, a bag of soil, and some cute containers. I came home, got my hands dirty, and planted some mint, rosemary, and a series of succulents. I’ve always had a thing for succulents. Probably because I know I can’t kill them easily.

The simple act of planting those plants immediately settled me. I found myself sitting on the floor of my parking garage slowly designing where I wanted my succulents sitting and centring everything in each container.

The next day after a a great workout, and then a long afternoon of tutoring anatomy, I headed out to meet and work with one of my long time clients on her horse. I’ve been so in depth with my consulting work with riders and loving it that I haven’t A) had time to miss my own riding or B) thought that I did miss it. I ride Felix here and there, but the deep seated drive for my own riding hasn’t been around lately and I haven’t been worried about that. If I’ve missed anything lately it’s been the time spent with Lauren and Megg at the barn chatting and riding together. I do honestly miss the feeling of community there was at M&C’s barn with those ladies. While we three stay in touch, Megg is off pursuing her dreams in France and soon UC Berkeley for a PHd. and Lauren is as busy as I am most of the time. When I got to my client’s barn I got that same sense of community, and while watching and working with her on her horse, and the others around riding, I rediscovered the challenge and passion for my consulting work that I thought I was losing the last few weeks. I got my edge back for my work. I also felt a stirring of the riding bug deep down. I met a horse at that facility that stole my heart a little.. and it awakened the desire to get on. I came home from that evening feeling so revived and fulfilled.

My hard working client and Moe.

As I’m assisting a long time prof with First Responder again this year, I am getting the chance to continue my ongoing review of AT coursework preparing for November’s Certification exams. On Tuesday I was informed that I’d be teaching Thursday’s lecture/lab on boarding and wound care.. as well as reviewing a quiz the class had written, solo as the prof was away… It was a ohhhhkay here we go moment for me. The class came and I got my way through teaching boarding techniques just fine.. but it’s the first time I’ve gotten to lead a class alone and been the sole one responsible for their education. It was quite the experience and definitely reaffirmed not only my own abilities but my desire to be in this field. Just when I was starting to get anxious and impatient. Just in time.

Today I noticed my succulents had grown new bits (blooms? extensions? pods?). It was the perfect symbolism for how I feel after the last couple days. There is always growth and new things happening.. just not always so drastic as to be seen by the impatient eye. It’s sometimes enough just to slow down enough to listen to all those little worries, anxieties, and impatient thoughts zooming around… sometimes if you listen you’ll be provided with a solution to those feelings. Maybe it’s planting some plants. Maybe it’s cleaning and organising your apartment. Maybe it’s reaching out and touching base with some old friends. We are always provided with the tools.. often not easily noticed tools or solutions.. but life always gets us where we need to be at just the right time.

Read the Crowd

The time is nearing. A time I thought would never get here. I’ve finished off my last true semester as an Undergrad, and with only a few hours left in my final practicum I’m getting so close to officially finishing my BSc.

The last month or so has been filled with promoting myself, being invited to and running workshops and clinics for riders, working with individual clients, doing some seminars for myself, and basically not acting like a student anymore.

I’ve been loving every second of it. My skills grow leaps and bounds with every client I work with. Promoting myself is even getting easier, and as my name gets out there more and more, I have to do less self-promotion and more just honing in on what each client wants/needs.

A few things in the last while have popped up for me when it comes to stepping into the “real world”. University does a great job not babysitting students (hopefully, anyway), bolstering and encouraging the transition from high school to more the “real world”.. it does still provide a very comfortable student friendly environment. Throughout my degree, while I was challenged in so many ways and grew both my academic ability as well as a person.. being an individual without the label of “student’ offers a whole new realm of challenges.

I’ve mentioned before the intimidation of growing your own business as a young professional, which I am still over-coming to a certain extent. As I prepare to step out with now official letters behind my name.. it’s both excitement and terror. My comfort zone is ending come September, where it’ll be the first fall of not returning to courses like I’ve been doing for the last 18 or so years. The impending certification exams in November are of little comfort.

As my student association’s co-pres, I’ve been busy the last bit planning our annual grad dinner. With it approaching fast this Friday, it’s been crunch time. And as I work on my speech, I find myself thinking not so much about all the facts and textbook science I’ve absorbed over the last 4-5years, but more of the characteristics I’ve developed. Starting the degree to where I am now, I can safely say I’ve surprised myself every step of the way. While doing a presentation this past weekend for the MB Podiatry Association on posture and preventative exercise– I found myself thinking about how growing up and becoming a professional has a lot to do with reading the crowd, and yourself, and reacting appropriately.

As a student, you generally have quite a few guidelines to follow as your progress along the degree pathway. Yes, University does an excellent job of teaching critical thinking skills- but it doesn’t completely leave you on your own with most things. From assignment rubrics, prof expectations, and formats to follow- you know what lines to stay within to succeed. Not much about real life is like that. Yes, there are certain things that are clearly the correct way to take- but for the most part, especially in my business, I have found myself bending and adapting to where my clients are at, and what they want/need. Every client is going to be slightly different, and react differently to everything you throw at them. This skill is especially valuable when standing in a room with a bunch of podiatrists at 3pm when they are all half asleep… knowing when to change your presentations tactics to a more movement and interactive based presentation is key!

Looking at where I was 5 years ago as I graduated high-school, I feel many of the same feelings. Apprehension of the transition, excitement, naivety, dread, gratitude for making it… But I also feel much more prepared to step out into the world. Also much more excited. Leaving the cocoon of high-school and leaving the tree of University are much different things in some ways. I am leaving undergrad life with practical experience and direction towards my ambitions, but also the self-awareness ability to read myself as I progress into my future one day at a time. As you know if you’ve been a follower of this blog, impatience is one of my strong traits- especially when it comes to my own future. I find myself now seeing how all those little “one day at a time” lessons add up to create the present, the future I once desired.. even when I didn’t know what I was headed towards. This doesn’t make me any less impatient, but sometimes I think the impatience is what drives me forwards.

With all that being said, I gotta get back to my grad speech! Until next time!

Intention and the questions no-one can answer

I have this vague memory of driving to the city with my mom when I was 5 or 6 (ish). Being a typical kid of that age, I was asking non-stop questions, and when given an answer.. my response would be “but.. why?”. Whatever answer I got wasn’t enough to satisfy the questions I had in my head.

I’ve been feeling a lot like that kid lately. Though, my questions aren’t as black and white.

Last week I wrote about working on being at peace with things. One of those things is accepting that sometimes (quite a bit of the time) there won’t be answers for the questions I have. As someone who is fairly open with my personal dilemmas, whether it be via blogging or long discussions with those close to me.. it’s clear that more often the not, nobody else can answer or solve certain things for me. I’m rarely happy with the answers I get, anyway. The discussion can offer great insight and further opportunity for reflection, yes, but it won’t bring a clear cut set of directions or a guide to the next step. There isn’t a handbook for growing up, another fact both twenty-something me and mature, young professional me are equally upset about.

What does give answers?

Time.

Following gut feelings. Trusting intuition.

Reflection.

That’s what I’ve come up with so far, anyway.

What I’ve noticed is that life seems to put us where we need to be, if we are able to pay attention to it’s directions. Whether those places make sense or not at first, time and reflection allow for the reasoning and answers to become a little clearer. The directions for the next step are those subtle little gut feelings. The intuition is developed via those gut and heart guidances. It’s the learning to listen with patience that’s the hardest part.

I struggled at first when I began my University career and began falling in love with my profession with how I would have room in my life for two all-consuming passions. My sport and my career. I had two deep down feelings: I would have to give up one to be successful at the other, or I would have to find a way to make them both work. It took years for the answer to become clear. Answers I didn’t even know were answers until now.. where I am living the dreams of my past self.

As cheesy as it sounds, setting an intention on what you want in your life, and then going about your daily life- making effective and conscious choices that are best for you at whatever stage you’re at- can lead to you being where you wanted to be all along.

In a different example.. I spent a lot of years complaining and making criticisms on the way my sport (and many sports) are run. Yesterday I was voted onto the board of directors for my provincial association. My intentions (roundabout) for change and evolution in the equestrian sport came about in a way I didn’t necessarily predict, but in a way that I have a feeling will give me some interesting opportunities.

Choices. Change. Letting time pass and having patience. These things come a long with fear, frustration, disappointment.. but also knowledge, gratitude, joy. You can’t have one without the other. Positives cannot exist without the negatives.

Nobody can say what the future will bring. Nobody can answers the questions of your deepest desires and hopes. You can set your intentions in motion. You can reflect on what you’ve been dealt. You can decide how you’re going to learn and wait for the next clue. However you’re doing, don’t be blind to the choices in your control and the doors opening toward opportunity.

Philosophical post complete. Now for a quick weekly update.

As noted above, I am officially a part of the Board of Directors for MHJA. I will be running for the chair of athletic development, for which I am already brainstorming ideas for. February is here and I have a busy month of writing up my research and submitting it for a national writing award, putting together presentations for the seminars and clinics coming up quick in March, and a few other articles on the go as well. I’ve hit a great rhythm in my internships and in my personal life. I have at least two evenings off a week with which I actually take off. I even read a novel this week, between work and school.. “A Scientific Romance” by Ronald Wright (definitely a must read!). This is probably the most sane I’ve been during a winter semester.. ever. At least I figured it out before I finished my degree, right?

Making peace with the twenty-something’s brain

Being a twenty something is interesting.. that is the summary of this post. I’m starting to think that this may become a theme for this blog… how to deal with your twenty-something brain.

I’ve been trying to write this blog for a few days now, and while the words come to light during the night when I refuse to get out of bed to write them down, when I actually sit down- all those witty, thoughtful words disappear.

Pro-tip: best way to break writers block is to ramble about writers block for a few paragraphs.

When I say being a twenty something is interesting, it’s a big understatement. In the last couple years, I heard many people talk about how horrible the early twenties were for them. A time of mental unrest, insecurity, and bad decisions. They really didn’t make it sound appealing. I always listened and nodded, trying to relate.. but in all reality- until lately- I hadn’t really found truth in their words. Granted many say the same about their teenage years, and I quite liked most of my teens (minus the tilta-whirl like brain chemistry and emotions I now realise I wasn’t immune to).

Lately I’ve noticed an odd awareness of my brain somewhat reverting back to being a teenager’s brain (normal, for my age category). Thankfully without the insecurities, or as much angst. Quite often I find myself observing my mood, and monitoring my actions from an almost “outside looking in” perspective. With that awareness I’ve tried not to interfere too much with what the twenty something brain goes through. I mean really, how much could I interfere anyway. This, I guess, is what I’m getting at with the title “making peace”.

We all have an inner dialogue; the angel and the devil sitting on our shoulder. For me it’s not really a angel and a devil.. it’s a mature, young professional vs twenty-something brain. It’s a tie game, for the most part lately. Which is probably why when visiting with a friend I hadn’t seen in quite a while, I replied “amazing!” to being asked about work/school and “…greaaaat/you don’t want to know” to being asked about my personal life. The last month as been a big period of enlightenment for the mature, professional brain as the twenty-something brain insisted on being freed a little. Nothing wrong with that.. just a different pace then we’re used to. Normally the one to be content to stay in on weekends.. I’ve found myself as the life of the party a few more times then usual. And in all fairness, both sides have had a fair amount to process lately. For the most part they work quite well in tandem, with one usually shaking it’s head at the other in the background.

Do I sound like a crazy person yet?

At this time last year, I had all my goals and dreams lined up nice a pretty- and was 110% focused on me. Life happened, and while my goals and dreams stayed the same.. some new ones popped up, and nothing was as organised in my head anymore. (I say organised in my head because on the outside nothing about my lifestyle appears organised.. ever.). I was happy, don’t get me wrong. I’ve learned the hard way too many times that life is going to try to make plan A, B, and C impossible.. so taking it as it comes and adapting is always the best option.

So when life happened again, and I had to readjust my organisation, I now find myself back to a really similar place to where I was a year ago before broken bones and relationship brain. It’s a really good place. Again, not that I wasn’t happy in some of the places I found myself last year.. they were just different places, and different paths. As much as my heart is still a little upside-down about some things.. I’m loving where I’m finding myself right now. Now that I’m back in that place, I’m realising that though I’m standing where I stood a year ago, I’m so much farther ahead. I know me better. I know people better. And I dare say I understand the Universe a little better too. Funny what a little emotional turmoil can do for a person. And kind of ironic that I had my identity stolen (legitimately) during all of this!

It took me some time to make peace with the upheaval my brain has been experiencing the last little while. And I’m still working on it more days then not. The awareness I’ve developed of my thoughts is a amazing tool. Being able to experience a feeling, and simultaneously coach yourself through it is fascinating. It doesn’t make the feeling any less present, but at least I’m getting some entertainment out of it this way. I like to think of it as being a friend to myself. And really, when you think about it, if you can’t be a peace (or at least work on being at peace) with you’re own mind… life is going to be a true struggle when crap hits the ventilation system.

So thats a long ramble on the twenty something brain. The seemingly mature, professional brain has been on top of the world lately. This week I submitted my first article as a contributor to Heels Down magazine (look for it in their March issue), and was booked to present another biomechanics seminar for this spring (Dressage Winnipeg) to go along with the other clinic I’m doing (Western Dressage Assoc.). I bounced from covering a elementary level track meet to covering the Scotties Provincial Curling Championships (front row seats to watch Jennifer Jones for a few days). My research has been giving me great results, and the participants are all very happy. I got my training specific site up and going, and signed up/was nominated to take on a board position with the Hunter Jumper Assoc., to focus on Athlete Development. This week kind of kicked ass in that sense! Which was nice, especially on those days/nights when my brain takes time to process some of the other aspects of my personal life that it’s still working through. I have all these great things to lean on. And if there’s one thing I do well, it’s throwing myself into the thick of it.

To all you readers who are going “oh my gosh.. she’s taking on too much again..”, have no fear! I’m staying true to scheduling “me time” and am very aware of NOT over scheduling myself.

My weekly yoga class provides me with the atmosphere to reflect on my week, and offer gratitude to both my body and my mind.. and keeps me focused on achieving my goal of a free-stand by May. Wouldn’t be a hobby with me if there wasn’t some sort of inner competition.Today I accomplished my first wall assisted hand stand in a long time.

I make sure I get into the gym 3-4 times a week, and I am pretty good at getting some time to write and reflect, or just read throughout the week too. As much as my twenty-something brain gets me a little more, lets say, ‘social’ on the weekends, (and leaves me with some VERY entertaining stories).. I think I’m finding a fairly healthy balance between all my selves. It’s all part of the human experience, right?

As always, living and learning one day at a time.

Re: 2014… An open letter to myself

I usually do a Top 10 of the year to bring in the New Year, but this year I thought I’d do something a little different. In place of a list, here is a letter written to myself on the past 12 months.

Dec 31, 2014

As 2014 comes to an end, you are reliving countless moments from the year past. Most of them good, some of them not so much. 2014 began for you with fate halting you in your tracks (quite literally), with a broken leg and a ambulance ride (this post has more detail). You probably won’t ever forget that night.

The year continued as your leg healed and your eyes were opened to new things and new experiences. 2014 was a busy year for you, in almost all areas. You began work on your own brand with Katmah Training, starting out with a strength and conditioning class for riders- and, now at the end of the year, you find yourself promoting biomechanics and position assessments, booking group clinics for riders on biomechanics, and working on your own research project. Not a bad progression. As spring came and your leg continued to mend- you had to deal with some fear around getting back in the saddle. By refusing to let fear control your season, you pushed through and got yourself through one of the toughest competition seasons of your life which brought true meaning to the saying “sweat, blood and tears”- and even made the transition from hunter land in the the jumper ring (why you chose to do this while recovering from a broken leg and nerve damage is still up for question).. all the while having great support from your teammates and now close friends M and L, your coaches, parents and boyfriend. As the show season ended, and your fear became less- you faced another hurdle when you made the decision to sell your long-time teammate Will (see When you know, you know for more on this). This meant letting go of yet another fear and letting yourself let go of the belief that taking a break from the sport meant giving it up forever, or that it made you any less of an athlete. Again- the support you had from those close to you was outstanding. Without these people- what you did this year probably wouldn’t have been possible. One of 2014’s biggest marks was likely showing you how much you appreciate the people in your life.

Academically, you faced the most challenging year yet. However, you surprised yourself with your dedication to your studies and the profession of athletic therapy. You realized you’ve found your calling, and you began to see your own potential. You took on a leadership role in your student association, and a few teaching assistant roles. Early in the year you even applied to go to Mayo Clinic in Rochester for their AT-student internship, but fate had it that you were meant to stick around home this year. Instead you began your own research and focused your in class work towards the equestrian sport. In the field you spent the spring covering the MB Winter Games (click here for more on that experience), and football. Summer brought working at the Winnipeg Folk Fest, the Morris Stampede, and then more football, basketball and hockey in the fall. You were the main therapist with your football team this year, and got to see a truck load of injuries. Unfortunate for the kids, but excellent for your confidence levels in the field (this and this are good reads on how your football seasons went. )! You even got published again by CATA with your post Meet Your Athletic Therapist. As an executive of the student association, you were also lucky to attend the first annual Gupta Faculty of Kinesiology and Applied Health Fundraising Gala. This event inspired you and kept you in love with the ever growing profession of kinesiology in Canada. The passion of those involved in it is slowly but surely making it a well-respected part of the health care system.

Other then being swamped by football, you were also working in the clinic(s), manning the student association, teaching, and taking the four final AT courses, and then hockey. While the entire year had it’s ups and downs, the fall took a lot out of you. While the summer made you feel like you were living a double life, being both the athlete and the therapist, the fall flew by until sh** it the fan for about 2 months straight. This is usually how you experience burn out, and you’re finally starting to understand the pattern. First your car got broken into (and all of your ID and medical supplies stolen). Then you got some marks back that demonstrated a clear case of burn out, and your leg began acting up more then necessary. Then your car got towed (you hoped it’d been stolen). Following this, and numerous breakdowns, you headed into final exams while simultaneously facing the end of your first major relationship. Oh, and then your car broke down and completely died. Ya think the universe was sending clear enough message? This post gives a longer summary. Here, again, you got a front seat view of how much support you have within your different circles. M and L, your riding teammates, didn’t just stop being your friends when you left the sport- they stepped up in a big way for you this fall and winter. Your parents were endlessly supportive, as well as all your friends and colleagues at school. Even through closing the chapter on your relationship, J remained a big support and friend for you too.

When you look back at 2014, it’s easy to see that it was a year of learning (as every year is) for you. Learning took place in new areas. You were forced to deal with many emotions and feelings you either hadn’t given time for (love), or had locked away (fear). You proved your ambition within your career, and that is paying off looking into the new year. Before the year ended, your research took off and you began to form your own biomechanics program for riders. While it’s in the early stages, it will come in handy for the few clinics and talks you’ve been booked for early in 2015. It was very much a year of growing pains, in pretty much every aspect of your life- whether it be sport, career, or personal life. After getting through December full of exams and focusing on your research before taking some time off around Christmas, you road-tripped out to Lake Louise with your cousins. You definitely couldn’t afford this excursion- but your head thanks you for it. It was a great way to hit reset and bring in the New Year.

As the clock nears midnight, you’re sitting in the Fairmont Chateau watching rich people in velvet suit jackets get progressively more confident on the dance floor (it’s as entertaining as it sounds). You have a fresh mindset on many things, and are looking forward to 2015 as a exciting year for you. Right now you have plans to work the Scotties tournament, the National Badminton Championships, and are starting in a few new clinics. You will continue with hockey, now with a younger student shadowing you, be a teaching assistant in two new classes, continue your own research, and come spring return to you beloved football team. You are done course work now, with just two humanities left to finish- which means your schedule is much more flexible and coordinated to your AT life. You will return to MORFit, after a month off, continue running your own business, and tutoring. With a little more wisdom when it comes to scheduling (we think) you will get back into the gym and yoga on a regular basis, because you know it’s what you need– that time for you– to stay sane and keep the Universe off your back. Since you aren’t riding competitively anymore, you need to find other ways to keep your body moving and your mind settled. Hopefully you’ll make it to this years CATA conference in Halifax, and surely you’ll find some new adventures to fill your summer with. This will be the first summer without a heavy training and competition schedule to keep you busy- but also the summer before you challenge the national certification exams. After reflecting on 2014, you’re grateful for all the things it’s shown you- and are welcoming 2015 with a smile!

For future reference- practice gratitude everyday, it’s one of the things that kept you going through the low points of 2014.

Thoughts on life and love from a twenty-something.

Without getting too personal, I’ve had some thoughts lately that I need to write out. Tis the season for me to get all introspective and stuff.

Love comes in many forms. Love can be a noun, adjective and a verb. Love of something or another is what makes the world go round. Money, power, things, a person, a hobby or profession.. Every person runs into it in some form.

Love, at it’s best and at it’s worst, requires a healthy balance of almost every other emotion. When that balance is disturbed, love is usually what carries us through. It becomes the undertone behind what we do for both ourselves and for others, even if the decisions we make don’t bring clarity at first. In love lies the power to drive people crazy, but at the same time it provides us, if we look hard enough, with a mirror in which we face ourselves in a way we never saw before.

Every love is different, and every love has it’s own path.

Whether we fight it or let it encompass our being- this emotion will take us through highs and lows, sometimes being the cause and sometimes being the saving grace. When it comes to this between two people, it requires unending compromise and compassion. Romance and love are often two different things, and a relationship cannot survive on the expectation of another fulfilling ideals. Sometimes just because you love someone for all that they are: good, bad, and ugly, it also means understanding that they might not be ready to do the same. This fulfils loves requirement of patience and acceptance for others, but also yourself. There isn’t a perfect love, relationship, or person. Each time around there will be flaws, compromises, and straight up hard work.

Leo Tolstoy once said, “what counts in making a happy relationship is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility..”.

I have never been a believer in the kind of fairy tale love we grow up watching on screens and reading about in stories. The notion of love at first sight wasn’t even a sensible notion to me, until I had my own experience of a instant connection that luckily got the chance to develop into something more. While I’ve loved and love many things, I’m young when it comes to the all devouring love for another person. When I say this year has been an education in adult life, that is no understatement. As a 20-something I’m surrounded by relationships ending, soaring, and friends beginning the next stages of their life as either newly engaged, married, expecting, graduating, travelling, or starting their careers. Having merged from the single indefinitely-career focused young person end of the spectrum to now somewhere in the middle, I’ve grown a new understanding for where I see my life in the next few years. I’ve grown as a person in love, and because of that I’ve gained insight into many new things.

When I was 20ish, I read Meg Jay’s “The Defining Decade”. It’s focused around experiences and clients she has had who find themselves in their late 20s or early 30s dissatisfied with what they did with the first decade of their adult life. I remember reading the book and thinking I didn’t want to waste my time here. This is sometimes a hard philosophy to follow when most of society tells me “you’re only 22..you have time to think about all that stuff when you’re older”. This may be why most people assume I’m years older then I am, I’m choosing to figure out a lot of things now instead of letting time go by. I re-read parts of this book and always find new advice from it’s pages. I may only be 22, but I’m learning to find a balance between accomplishing everything I want to and having fun and learning along the way.

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